Mother.

*Disclaimer, these are not poems directly about my own mother. I love her, she's the best but the poems are inspired by children who have abusive mothers or had been abused by their mothers, alongside of having non-supporting fathers or relatives.

Part 1.

Mother,

You spun me with the golden threads

Between your legs

You raised me

To the highest peak of the sky

But why?

Why do you look at me now

Like I am a mistake

Like something you regret

Did I do something wrong?

I am reckless,

But I am still young

Do I remind you of something bad,

Or even someone bad

Like my father?

Your glare terrifies me

Tell me mother,

What is bothering you?

Tell me mother,

How can I fix it for you?

Part 2.

“Ibu, Ibu, engkaulah, ratu hatiku”

Was a song I always sang to you

On your birthday

A song you also sang

Many times to your own mother

It’s a tradition of the family

But why did you frown

When I sang it you last time

Mother,

I was your golden child

A rare blessing for the family

You treated me like treasure

That no one else could touch nor see

Now,

You merely view me

As a burden

You watched me silently

With a smile

As I go off running into school

You cried when I came home

Showing you my drawing of you and I

You wouldn’t even stop hugging me

When I went on my first trip without you

I am no longer your golden child

As far as I can tell

Every time I open my mouth

Your face turns sour

You sternly refused to be there

You told me you did not care

What did I do, mother,

To make you hate me so much?

Part 3.

I loved you to death,

But now I feel that

The more I love you

The more I want to die

I can’t breathe

When you are around

You suffocate me

You yell at me

To release your frustrations

You say words that hurt me

Purposely

You mock me

You insult me

You blame me

For and about everything

“Susah dapat anak macam ni,”

You say loudly

For the whole world to hear

After every tiny mistake

I make

You told me that you regret

How I turned out

But did you ever questioned yourself

That this was how you raised me?

They said that when a child cries

They look for their mothers first

Because a mother’s comfort

Is more precious than anything else

When I cry,

I cannot bear with the idea of looking for you

For love and reassurance

Because I am scared of you

Mother,

You were my protector

Why do I feel like I need to be protected

From you?

Part 4.

Mix a tablespoon of sugar

With a tablespoon of honey

Pour in two cups of lemon

And the juices of women

From three different generations

And you get a girl

Ready to be pushed back down to earth

By the men of the world

Mother,

You are the alchemist

You are supposed to defend

Your creation

You are to shape your baby

To be strong

To fight for herself and her people

So she could grow up and

Do the same for her daughters

And their daughters

Mother,

You are my star

Correction

You were my star

I am a burden to you

I was the one who brought you down

When I was born

I was the reason why my father gave up on us

That is the truth, isn’t it?

That is why you look at me now

With pure hatred

You pour your heart and soul

To make the best little girl

But I didn’t turn out

The way you wanted me to be

Right?

Mother,

I am sorry

For being born.