Crush(ed)

I stare at him from a far distance so he won’t notice me. I don’t want him to notice me at all - about the staring and just about my existence in general. He looks lovely, as usual. Many don’t consider him attractive but why must the opinions of others matter? He’s gorgeous in my eyes. A handsome smile to match his aggressive friendliness and loud personality.

I’m a person that isn’t recognizable nor memorable - hence why I can fit in with the shadows and watch him intently. I don’t stalk, and I don’t condone it either. But I watch him when he’s nearby and I take that time to cherish what I get to see. It helps me relax and calm my nerves. Almost as though his presence brings me happiness.

I do admit, that although we might not have anything going on between us, he brings light to my sad little life and I’m grateful for that.

Though, it hurts; it hurts knowing I can never have him.

That’s why I’m never going to make a move. I would’ve fucked up, my words, my gestures, my body language. Things would’ve been messy - or even worse, I would make a complete fool out of myself. That’s my only talent, just doing things the wrong way not purposely. I know that he would not go for a girl like me. Hell, not even look at me. So I stay back, I stay silent and I hold myself together. It’s only a crush, I always remind myself. It is never meant to be.

Crush.

Crush.

The word keeps repeating in my head.

He’s nowhere near my boundaries right now but yet I can’t get him out of my head. It’s distracting me and keeping me away from my studies. My heart feels like it’s about to burst. It’s just a crush! I force my mind to shut up though it continues to divert me from my class. I’m blanking out, I’m dreaming again.

“Hey, you okay?” my friend nudges me. I reassure her that I’m fine. She’s not going to buy it but I know she’ll leave me be.

This is ridiculous, I’m not trained enough to push him out of my thoughts. Enduring it for the whole hour, as the class finishes, I make a beeline straight to the exit. It’s so strange! Thinking about him is never this painful.

Why do I feel like I’m being tortured?

Is it the guilt?

Or is it the feeling of rejection?

I’m not sure. Like I said, usually, he brings me happiness. Though, why is it that when I thought about him at that moment, I felt like jumping off the building? There are no more classes for the rest of the day so I make my way quickly to the train station. Maybe, if I get some rest it will all be better. It’s probably just exhaustion. I’m prone to feeling odd emotions when I’m tired.

Walking as fast as I could, from the corner of my eyes I see him standing on the curb of the sidewalk...almost as if he’s waiting for me. That’s not possible, so I keep following my track but…

“Wait!”

I feel someone grabbing my hand. I turn around and I see him, my crush, in all godly form, smiling at me. “I was waiting for you. Sorry, I guess I didn’t make myself visible enough,” he says as he brings his hand up to scratch the back of his head. “Y-you know me right?” he asks with a cheeky grin.

I nod gently, almost hesitant to answer his question.

“I see you walk to the station every day. It’s really far and I always feel so bad,” I stare at his bright smile. “‘Cause I see you in the library. That’s how I know you,” he chuckled.

“I wanted to give you a lift to the station, just thought it would’ve eased your day. Uh, if that’s okay, I mean.” I start to think about it - why so sudden? But I couldn’t let this opportunity slip, right? At least he approached me first.

“Yeah, sure.”

He grins again at my answer, tugging at my hand and bringing me to his car. He opens the passenger side for me, like a true gentleman. If anyone was in my situation, oh man, they’re going to feel so giddy. I didn’t though. I feel nervous. For some reason.

He enters the car and slowly starts the ignition. He looks at me contently once more before checking around his mirror and his controls. The car smoothly rolls as he presses on the pedal and off we go to the station. In this very moment, I should’ve felt happy - right now, I’m more scared than happy and I’m unsure why. It’s the fear of messing up, isn’t it? Oh shit, I should just stay quiet. If he talks, I’ll just nod.

The feeling is like having your skin pulled by an unknown entity. It makes your stomach churn. It’s not butterflies, it definitely isn’t. It feels like there are hands, burying deep down into my guts and tugging and pulling on them. Tying knots and making shapes. I feel like puking. I feel like something is about to happen.

I may be overreacting.

I’m so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t even hear him call my name. We are about to arrive at the station, I think. I look at him and he asks if I’m alright. Like with my friend, I assure him that I am even though I’m not. The car pulls into a stop and we both sat there in silence. I want to open my mouth to thank him but before I could do so, he pecks my lips very lightly. My heart is beating faster at the realization of what just happened.

I can’t believe it. I can’t even process it.

He apologizes and says it is something he meant to do for a long time. I’m still silent like before. My head is so wrapped up in this. He kissed me! I thought. There is no way. I’m questioning myself if my daydreams have turned into hallucinations. But I could feel it. I look at him and he’s still talking. My mind is in a blur right now.

Crush.

It’s more than a crush now.

Crush.

The word keeps popping up in my head.

Crush.

It’s no longer a crush, it’s love.

The feeling and realisation are both sensational. I can’t feel my hands or my toes but I can feel the...love? Floating, I feel like I’m floating. Like I’m being carried.

It’s like a drug. It’s addictive, and I want more but I can’t feel anything physically. Man, I must be too much in shock.

I smell leaves but this must be the fresh air I’m getting after feeling relieved. Am I even at the station? The surrounding doesn’t seem familiar.

Why…

Why can’t I see?

I still feel like I’m being carried.

Am I...really hallucinating?

Crush.

This stupid word, it keeps popping up head.

Crush.

No.

Crush.

NO.

Crush.

I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can feel something - or someone sitting on my chest. I can hear my heartbeat - I can hear everything. And I can hear someone panting.

Crush.

A crack, I feel a crack from my chest. I can’t breathe at all. I’m struggling. Why can’t I see? Why can’t I feel? I need air. I need air. I need air. I need air. I need-

Crushed.